the free piano and worship ramblings

remember that free piano i begged  asked some guy friends to drive an hour away to go pick up? 

that really really really heavy piano?

oh it's still here.

after a few months of jon asking "are you really going to play this?"

i am determined to do it.

i have started up again (sort of).
trying not to let a completely broken key that doesn't work and the fact that the piano is out of tune stop me.

and though finding the minutes to sit and practice are few and far between, or when the kids don't want to come play a spontaneous "duet" with me by banging on some keys...
i'm trying.
i'm running scales and chords, trying to transition between major, minor and 7th chords...
yeah, i'm not good. 

it's incredibly frustrating all the time at times, but it's good for my mushy brain.

i may never become too proficient.

but it's something i can grow with...because if there is one thing i have learned about myself these past 10 years, and that i blab about constantly, it is that i need to constantly be growing and learning ...in something of the creative nature.

a new thing in regards to music that i haven't really talked about on the blog yet... but want to record thoughts on, is that i have lead worship for our church community in a worship leader role twice now, soon to be 3 times in a couple weeks.
(not counting a few other times when i've led a song or two for other sundays or events).
I haven't wanted to share on here yet because I didn't want it to sound like a "look what I'm doing" post.
But in truth, worship is a huge part of my life. I want it to be part of my family's life. When my son draws stick figures on a piece of construction paper with music stands in front of them and the words "this is what you dow (do), this is what you dow..." and my daughter jumps out of the car singing "come on my soul..."
it strikes something major in my heart.
and i pray they continue to have promising words float through little heads throughout the day as they live their little lives.

I love talking about worship, I love processing what it is and what it means and the many ways we can worship, and though I am crazy in love with great music, it's becoming more than that.

now i need to know how to lead.
we don't attend a mega-church with crowds of people, we don't have dramatic lights and smoke machines, it's not dark.
we have a very simple space.
i actually find it more intimidating this way.

i don't have a guitar or piano in front of me...it's just me.

maybe someday... but thankfully skilled musicians are up there with me!

...and truth be told, it's scary.

it's nerve-wracking. 

i feel SO unadequate in many ways. seriously, who am i to be doing this? 

i wake up those sundays with a heart that's beating fast. mostly of nervousness. party because i am excited.

i know that with this role (however infrequent or frequent it becomes), brings a responsibility.

it brings criticism. unfortunately, it's inevitable.
(hopefully not too much?)

and that frightens me.
people make known what they enjoy or don't enjoy.
i like to please people
not a good thing, i have learned... as good as it "sounds." i have cared way too much about pleasing humans. an awareness of pleasing people is a good thing. too much of that, not so good. it can consume me. i start to feel it in my bones. if i know i've made someone unhappy or hurt, it will literally start to crush me and my neck and shoulders will take on physical pain.
 i can't please everyone (in worship or otherwise)
and that's OKAY.
amen, right?
this very realization alone has caused some major growth over time.

anyway, it's a role that i do not take lightly.
i know it won't come without it's bumps.
i'll choose songs that people don't like. i'll choose new songs that people don't know and don't get "into."
some may not like a woman leading them.

but it brings me to rely whole-heartedly on the One of whom I worship and make it pleasing to Him. 

to bring others into that space and help create some time for us to go deeper in His presence.

to bring it all... and to lift Him up.

and when I have that focus on Him, and my heart is in it - i mean, really in it.... and i'm not focused on myself...I can't even begin to express what happens.

It's real.

It's something I don't want to end.

I used to think when i was younger, "is heaven going to be boring? the bible says we're going to worship Him every day, all the time?" 

oh my GOSH, no.

how exciting and thrilling it will be!

there are times i just can't get enough.

as i grow in more knowledge of who He is and what He did for me....

i just want to pour myself out for Him. 

not just in leading but in everyday moments.
and it's in those everyday moments of worship that it will overflow into a sunday morning in a corporate setting. i can't just expect it to magically happen when i'm living self-consumed throughout the week.
i've realized i just need to STOP.
just BE. just be QUIET.
let God love on me.
give Him love in return.
it's so simple sometimes, yet we make it so complicated.

it keeps me realizing ...
whether in front of others or not,
He is so deserving of our worship.
everyday.
It is a gift to Him AND to us.

i love worship music so much because so many times they are the exact words i have in my heart but can't express on my own.
this is where i just need to STOP and play a song.

"how marvelous, how boundless is your love...is your love
how wonderful, sacrificial is your love for me."

(this song is really awesome to listen to LOUDLY)

so.... we'll see what this year brings with that, just wanted to share my thankfulness, excitement...

and yes, some fear and anxiousness.

but  mostly gratitude.